Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
