He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
