as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
