you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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