my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
