Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
