hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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