We won't sleep together?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
