see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
