I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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