Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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