Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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