my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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