My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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