On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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