just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
