every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you traded sex for a burrito?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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