last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
