So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
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I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
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I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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