so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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