Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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