drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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