my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
