I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
