actually, I'm a sock model
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
