This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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