I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
