my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she looked like the before picture.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
