I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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