You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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