This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Randomize
