Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
