my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
