he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
