Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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