my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
