Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
