Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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