Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
