Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
