Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
