Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
