You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
