God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
