why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
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