apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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