don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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