For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
