Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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