What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Damn victory sex feels great
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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