Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
