On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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