I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
