Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
