There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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