Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
