tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
