my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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