Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
