I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
