How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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